(*name change for protection)
"This, my friends, is the story of Kylie Carson. Raised in a war stricken and impoverished nation, Kyile was able to overcome the trials and tribulations of womanhood to take down the beast of the century. In this heartwarming and vulgar tale of her journey to the top, you will find yourself identifying with this wonderfully brave, yet very controversial woman.
The story begins in the far away land of Sri Lanka, where Kylie and her best friend Kara were on a trip during their spring break. Hoping that this exotic hotspot would offer them the perfect amount of danger and prostitution, Kylie and Kara set off to the country of no restrictions. Looking to make the most of their trip, the girls were up for anything. I mean ANYTHING--no matter how illegal or death-defying it was. Facilitated by their reckless attitude, things got pretty crazy, if you know what I mean. Sri Lanka turned out to be the ultimate spring break spot, well, if you were looking to get an STD, stabbed in the hip, or have live raccoons thrown at you. Needless to say, Kylie and Kara had the most wonderful of times avoiding syphilis and participating in the most competitive league of raccoon dodge ball in the world.
Just when it seemed their dream paradise couldn’t get any better, a man by the Wooey Whannna Humpya limped up to the girls on a street corner, offering them some of his famous “magical morsels”. In broken English, and with minimal teeth, the man shared the whimsical journey in which the morsels would take them upon. He spoke with such passion and fervor about the delightful visions that the morsels would induce that the girls just couldn’t say no. For the bargain price of their virginity and three crack rocks, they obtained these wonders. The brown bits resembled raisins that they knew from their homeland; however, the girls knew that these raisins would take them on a majestic adventure of the mind. Wooey watched as the girls placed the raisins on their unsuspecting tongues. The rough texture of the small brown crumb was accompanied by a horrible taste that lingered in their mouths long after swallowing the disgusting morsel. Upon looking up at the man’s face, the girls realized they may have made a grave mistake. Looking as if he had just pulled off the greatest scam known to man, Wooey let out the most evil, terrifying laugh. His black eyes lit up with deceit, and leaning in closer to the girls, he whispered in a shaking tone, “Hope you enjoyed those morsels of kaka, muahaha!” The creepy old man ran off into a dark alley and became a memory in an instant...."
If you're dying to know what happens in the rest of the story, let me know. Something can be arranged. Haha.
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